Leaves falling
by Anae-chan
Summary: How much can you take before falling apart and giving up something you've always wanted? Past Hotsuma/Shusei.
1. Prologue: In my arms

_Title__: Leaves falling_

_Author__: Anae_

_Beta__: Hiekkis (Thank you.)_

_Fandom__: Uragiri wa boku no namae wo shitteiru / Betrayal knows my name_

_Characters/pairing__: Hotsuma/Shusei_

_Rating__: overall T_

_Spoilers__: Erhm. Nothing very official._

_Disclaimer__: I don__'__t own Uraboku, it still belongs to Odagiri Hotaru. (Though I'd love to have these boys.) Neither do I own chapter names or the lyrics in those. They're all from Dead by April (the title as well). The name of each chapter is a name of a song, and the lyrics are from that song._

_Summary__: How much can you take before falling apart and giving up something you've always wanted? Past Hotsuma/Shusei._

_Warnings__: If something else than angst and past female-Shusei [check out A/N for the reason why (yes, I actually have a good reason)], it'll be given in the chapter itself._

_A/N__: Erhm. I use Shusei as a girl for most of a time here, since this is a past-fic. Her being as a girl - it__'__s due to one post in stargazing love - community in livejournal. So it's not totally my imagination, you know?_

_But why did I want to write this? Ever since I heard Shusei's been a girl at least once, it made me wonder. What happened that she decided to give it up and become a boy? I mean, it was her big chance to be with Hotsuma. A lot easier way, no discrimination based on loving your own gender. And I've always, always seen Shusei as a very strong person. It had to take a lot for him to break down and give up that chance._

_And this, this is how I imagine it happened._

_Feedback:__ Please be so kind. (I'm quite unsure about this all, to tell the truth.)_

_Prologue - In my arms_

"_We will find a way to make this last."_

"You're beautiful."

For a moment, you could only hear the wind playing around with the autumn leaves of ancient trees. The world held it's breath and along with it, so did a youngster and young girl whom he had said those words.

She turned around just to look him in the eye**s**. Her beautiful green eyes held the uneasiness and beneath it all, there was a fear. Fear that he didn't mean those words. Fear that he was just trying to atone for leaving her alone years ago. But she didn't want him to atone, she never did. It hadn't been his fault.

The distress was there for another reason as well; she might've been pretty, but not beautiful. Yet she longed to hear those words again. "Thanks", she answered quietly, quickly lowering her head to hide the faint colour of red rising to her pale cheeks. Even if the wind refused to blow her fears away, it helped hiding them by throwing the brown hair on the way.

"I mean it!" the boy growled without thinking, making the girl twitch and rise her head. His voice leaked emotions; determination like wind's, desperation alike to girl's and pure care. She pushed a lock of her hair behind her ear as green eyes captured the ones alike. "I mean it, Shusei", he repeated, his voice lower, softer now. He desperately wanted Shusei to believe his words, to believe in him. He never lied, not to this person.

Because she _was_ beautiful. A simple light dress, hands held to chest, eyes that showed emotions only to him, shoulder-length dark brown hair which wind refused to stop playing with, and the lonesome, somehow sad character. But beneath the surface, there was so much more; the caring, loving individual who tended to brush others off with a smile, only offering a glimpse of her soul for everyone to see. As long as he remembered, he had wanted to keep her safe, to stay inside her heart. Yet he had lusted for her… His fingers ran over the skinny, pale arm. "I wanted to tell you that earlier, too. I thought I had time. But then…"

Suddenly, she reached out, placing a long finger on his lips. She shook her head. She knew what he was about to say and didn't want to hear, didn't want to think such painful things when she finally had Hotsuma here again. In the previous life, he had died years before her. And he had been awfully young at the time, just a teenager when that Duras had appeared… She shook her head again, frantically this time. She didn't want remember that time, the time of heart-breaking loneliness without a partner, without being able to continue living but being denied of death. Takashiro hadn't let her.

She was awaken from her memories as the boy took her hand into his. He wasn't aware of the details of time after his death and hadn't dared to ask. But he knew the life had been so hard to Shusei even before that damn Duras has showed it's sword through his chest... In that life, Shusei's had been reborn as a girl for the first time. It had been Shusei's own wish and he, unlike the most Zweilts, knew why. They had loved and lusted for each other for so many lives but a romance between two men… It was a taboo, even among Zweilts.

It had been a shock to see Shusei as a girl for the first time. If someone claimed otherwise that was a pointless, futile lie. Hotsuma wasn't sure if even Takashiro had known. Maybe he had, maybe he hadn't. When the shock had faded, he had realised why. Shusei had made his/her choice to bear the cross, deciding to endure the questioning and the challenges the gender brought. She had decided to sacrifice herself for their sake.

And then that Duras had appeared out of the blue, attacking Yuki, the God's light, and he had died. He had manage to kill the bastard but lost his own life in the process, leaving Shusei behind. He had thought she would never try it again, but here she was, being a girl again, still willing to give them a chance they had secretly been wishing for.

"Shusei", he whispered, hand holding hers, another's fingers gently brushing those brown locks. He inhaled her unique scent, feeling home first time in ages. He had thought he'd never get this chance again, that he'd never be asking this question, and even if he would, it would be years from today, but he couldn't risk losing it all again. He just couldn't. Shusei was the one bearing the cross, and all he could do was to show her that she hadn't done it for nothing. That he felt the same.

Yet he was plain scared. He was too scared to look her in the eye, almost too scared to speak. There was irony, him being God's Voice and all, but still he feared to utter the four words.

"Will you… marry me?"

He kept his eyes closed, his heart skipped a beat. The world was all silent again, even the wind held it's breath, curious of the answer. If he had watched, he would've seen the smile lighting the whole world and such a shine in the eyes that even the sun would pale in comparison. And above all, he had seen the embodiment of love. The cold fingers shifted, sliding between his.

"I will."

The was no hesitance in those words. They came with such ease. Hotsuma looked down at her just to see her head buried on his own chest. When looking closer, he could detect the faint redness colouring those pale cheeks. A stupid, happy grin spread across his face as he wrapped his arms around this person. One he had always loved. His… wife.

He loved the sound of that word and the promises it carried.

And so did she.

Finally, finally, they could have a chance.

Neither of them knew that the wheel of fate was turning again.


	2. Chapter I: Found myself in you

_A/N:_ _First and foremost, to anyone reading this, I'm terribly sorry to haven taken this long time. I've had though time more and less recently, and carrying on with this story is taking quite a toll on me, since I know what's coming. It also requires a certain state of mind to write, and I don't seem to find it easily. For those still interested, I promise to keep on going with this. I have the story planned, and I will finish it.  
__You, reader out there, hope you like this chapter. It's not yet time for despair.  
__Beta:__ None. Forgive me for the mistakes.  
__Warnings: __None for this chapter.  
__Feedback:__ I would love to know if there's someone out there reading this. If so, drop a note to tell me that you're there, and if there's something you would like to say about the story, I'll be more than happy to take it._

_Chapter 1 -__Found myself in you_

"_Now you can't give up, not when you've come this far."_

It was remarkably beautiful day; sun was shining, casting its light all over cherry trees that were reaching for the sky, braches filled with gracefully blooming flowers. Crystal clear water of the pool reflected the golden rays to the hand breaking the calm surface. Green gaze was lifted from waters, focusing on the familiar boy, sitting just few steps away. In his hands there was a small wooden bowl, given him by the girl, filled with sweet, deep red cherries.

As serious as her features always were, even she couldn't stop her lips from curving upwards to a smallest, kindest smile. Yes, Tsukumo did love sweet things. In this lifetime and in the previous ones.

The white-haired youth didn't fail to catch her rare, beautiful smile. He didn't comment on it, just smiled innocently and offered a cherry.

Shusei shook her head, brown locks taking a life of their own, shoulder-length hair moving along with the movements. Tsukumo had come over a good time ago and the two Zweilts had taken a walk in the gardens, walking under the tall, ancient trees, listening to the winds, the waters, the birds, hearing the whispers of the nature's miracle – life – in general. For Tsukumo, who was Ear of God, being out in the wild, among living creatures and their sounds – was the most natural thing. Forcing Tsukumo to stay inside was like trapping a bird into a cage, an image Shusei rather avoided, having been trapped in a golden cage of her own for years.

"Did Takashiro send you?" she carefully asked, already knowing the answer.

The boy's movements stopped altogether, even the song of birds seemed to stop for a moment, and light blue gaze was fixed on the bowl for a moment. "Yes." Tsukumo paused, tone serious, lifting his eyes to meet the girl's. "A couple of villagers have gone missing, and he'd like to see if you could find out anything. Tooko and I, we'll keep our ears open of course, but…"

"I'll do it", was the short answer. There was no explanation needed, it was their duty as a Zweilt to follow Takashiro's orders. Besides, he had given the loving couple quite a time alone after the marriage. Takashiro might've been plotting and somewhat deceiving man when it came to it, but he also knew when his protégés, soldiers, had earned their rest.

"Great!" Tsukumo's bouncy answer lacked enthusiasm it was usually filled with as he stood up, carefully eyeing the girl. There was a short pause, a warning of what was coming, before he continued, almost enough for Shusei to make her escape.

Almost. "Hotsuma should be back by now, right?" Shusei halted her steps, pale hand gripping the edge of the dark green dress, a barely noticeable gesture, yet something that didn't go unnoticed by the younger boy – not after those lives they had spent together, fighting.

Tsukumo dared to take few steps closer before continuing. "He's with Yuki, isn't he?"

The hidden pain shadowing those green eyes told Tsukumo everything he needed to know.

The turmoil inside Shusei was something that Tsukumo didn't believe to have started yesterday, no, this confusing mixture of love and something opposite had been there, cooking itself up, for many years, many lives, maybe ever since the day one. Hotsuma and Shusei had always been close, always been a pair, balancing each other's skills – Hotsuma's strength was in offence, Shusei's in defense. Those two had loved each other through so many lives, Shusei being there for Hotsuma any time the other boy needed him. Her love ran deep within, never withering, and yet, there was this love they all felt for Yuki, their healer, their mother, their lover. She took their pain as hers, made it possible for them to fight the Duras. The love for her was written in Zweilt's blood.

Maybe Shusei's confusion and mixed feelings made it hard for her and Yuki to reach each other. Yet, despite everything, Shusei was as determined and serious about being a Zweilt as anyone of them, if not more so.

"I'm fine", was her answer as she met his eyes. There still was certain sadness and hurt living deep within her, but still she decided to bear with it, and hide it. But she hadn't mastered that skill. Not yet, at least.

The look in younger boy's eyes reflected hers. Sometimes, Tsukumo felt himself privileged. Because of his powers, he was able to read other people's feelings to a certain point, which was surely part of the reason he and Shusei had always been able to interact as well as they did. After all, Tsukumo had been the least surprised of all Zweilts when Shusei had first been born as a girl.

So, instead of pushing his friend to limits she wasn't comfortable with, he accepted the answer as it was, even if he shook his head. Walking next to Shusei Tsukumo silently spoke. "I just want you to be well."

The girl only nodded as an answer, pushing an unyielding lock of brown hair behind ear, long, pale fingers leaving behind to play with it a bit. She was standing under remarkably tall cherry tree, hand resting on the hard rind, tilting her neck to see the clear, cloudless sky through the branches.

Therefore it came as a total surprise to feel a hand, kindly but firmly pressed on her stomach. It took only seconds for her eyes to snap on Tsukumo's light blue, but there was no question about it. He knew.

For a second, she squeezed her eyes shut, resting her back on the tree, drawing strength from the tall, strong tree that had seen hundreds of winters, heard stories of humans that lived before this time, listened songs of winds, good and bad, happy and sad.

Tsukumo's voice carried over sense of calm, fraction of apology, but above all, care. "How long have you known?" He paused, worried eyes searching for girls', yet not finding contact. "Will you tell him?"

After a moment of wind's silent song, time that lasted for such a short time, but felt like an eternity, Shusei found her tongue again, sort nails digging into the innocent tree's skin, she was able to silently answer for the first question, the one that was easier. "A while."

It was no half-truth; at first, she had brushed all of it off as a stress, but after the moons passed and there still was no drop of blood, the realization had started to kick in. And it had kicked hard, pouring freezing water to her insides, trying to steal the little warmth she had.

Tsukumo's question number two was trickier. She had kept the secret in for a while, wondering what would come if she chose to keep it that way, but in the end, it was only a matter of time before her body would betray her, screaming the truth to the whole world. She turned her gaze on this boy, one who would keep her secret if she so wished, and told him: "I don't know how." The words were supposed to come out as even somewhat firm, but they were just the opposite; shaky, uncertain, scared.

Shusei and Hotsuma were still young, and they hadn't been married that long, even if their love had always been there, it was painfully clear that they hadn't thought about having a baby, let alone talked about it. And being a girl still wasn't something Shusei was used to; her last life hadn't been all that long, and the second life time in a woman's body was nothing compared to many lifetimes living as a man.

So it was no wonder Shusei was unsure about her choice, about him and Hotsuma, about this life that was growing inside her, about everything. It was no wonder that behind that strong shell, deep inside Shusei was scared.

It always hurt Tsukumo to see someone in pain, and when it came to Shusei, it was next to nothing that he could do.

But he would do what he could.

"Shusei", he spoke, making sure to have the girl's attention. Ever so carefully, gracefully he stepped in front of her, carrying her cold, pale hands to his own, caring light blue gaze searching, finding and keeping the eye-contact of the pained, confused green.

"Remember that it's you who Hotsuma proposed and married. Not Yuki. It's you who Hotsuma loves, Shusei."

Tsukumo feared his words couldn't do a thing, but as he saw the amazement glittering in Shusei's eyes and just a portion of fear stepping aside, making room for hope and belief, he knew it wasn't next to nothing.

If someone deserved happiness, Tsukumo found himself thinking, it was Shusei.


End file.
